Five years ago I died. By that, I mean the version of me who went to dinner at the local brewery with my husband, after a full day of teaching, the then 45 year old woman who started to feel a strange tingling in her left arm just before the pretzel bites arrived from the kitchen, no longer exists. I miss her sometimes because she didn’t consider her ultimate demise on a daily basis, and she moved with ease, walking fast always and dancing in her kitchen while washing dishes. That said, Chris 2.0, as my mother so lovingly nicknamed post-stroke me, has something the older version couldn’t ever attain–perspective and appreciation. The me who moves through the world now knows that all of this is temporary. As much as I love my house, my work, and the way the sun feels on my face, I don’t get to have any of it forever.
This Tuesday, January 21st, I will celebrate having survived for 5 years post-stroke. When I think back on that time of medical upheaval, the memories are fuzzy and loosely fit together between the fourteen days in the ICU and the six weeks of rehabilitation at Mary Free Bed. I do remember that when I was finally able to retain information, my mother told me how lucky I was to have survived at all. I didn’t feel lucky. After all, I was not able to walk, had no feeling on the left side of my body, and could barely store anything in my short term memory. She went on to explain that I had a massive stroke and the type that has a very low survival rate. According to all the medical websites, the Intracerebral hemorrhage (ICH) is the most devastating type of stroke with the greatest mortality rate. This realization, this shocking understanding, made it clear to me that I had cheated death and I was living on bonus time, an unexpected gift of more moments in my life.
So on this momentous occasion of marking 5 years of survival, I celebrate all the moments I was gifted as a survivor. I got to see my son, Lucas, go to prom, drive for the first time, graduate from high school, and start college. I traveled to Disney World for Spring Breaks, Santa Fe for a Sister Trip, and Traverse City for all those annual summer mother/daughter getaways. I got to turn 50 and speak at the “Be That Teacher” Conference. I bought a chime, made a calming jar, and arranged a peace corner in my classroom to encourage mindfulness for my students. I was able to hold my new baby nephew, Rudy, and read him a little book. All of this and so much more I soaked up during my bonus time, the extra I get to enjoy because I survived for a little longer.
To commemorate this anniversary of 5 years, my husband has ordered a cake from my favorite bakery, MacKenzie’s, to share with my students. I teach middle school and see 140 students in a day, so this is a BIG cake and a BIG deal. It’s such a big deal, I even included it on my agenda board for this coming week. As I finished writing “Cake Day” next to Tuesday on the agenda board, one of my 6th graders asked, “What are we doing on Cake Day?” To which I responded gleefully, “What do you think one might do on a Cake Day?” He guessed, “Eat cake?” I smiled broadly and said, “Then let’s eat cake.” So we will, and I will add this cake celebration to the list of the sweet and splendid moments I have been gifted inside and outside of the classroom during my Bonus Time.
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