I retired two years ago this spring after a long career teaching middle school English. At that same time, my son was graduating from college. To commemorate his last semester, Lucas and I walked around the WMU campus, and he showed me all the places he had taken his classes and where he and his history friends would hang out to study. I remembered my own college days as we wandered past the fountain, the new Student Center, and all the welcoming sitting spots meant for students’ study times or lunch meet-ups. The campus looks wildly different than it did over 30 years ago when I attended, but it still stirred up my old feelings about academic life. I had liked it, and I had gotten “good” at it. While meandering, Lucas said, “You know, Mom, you’d love being a professor.” That was the beginning, a seed of an idea, of a journey I never knew I needed.
It’s now my second school year as a retired public school teacher and at 56 years old I’m a doctoral candidate and a Graduate Assistant at my old college. It seems crazy, really. My sweet friends look at me incredulously and implore, “Why are you doing this?” My usual reaction is to laugh and say, “I don’t know! I must have something to prove to somebody.” I say it jokingly, but it’s not really just being glib. I didn’t really know what I intended to DO with a doctoral degree. I’m at the end of my career, after all. I told myself a doctoral degree would add validity to any books I wrote or professional development for teachers I hoped to lead. But that was just my “line.” Who knows if I’ll ever do any of those lofty aspirations. Nope, It wasn’t until very recently that the REAL reason I’m pursuing a doctoral degree came rushing at me. And it made all the sense in the world.
I got it in my head that I wanted to give my doctoral advisor a box of truffles from a fancy chocolate shop in Kalamazoo to thank her for all her encouragement and friendship. As I leaned over the counter and picked out four truffles I thought she’d love the most, I said to my husband, “I want to pick out my favorites–really good ones! Oh, I’m so excited to give these to her!” And that’s when it hit me–the real reason I’m pursuing this highest of degrees. For the experience of doing it! You see, Elizabeth, my advisor, is now my friend. She looks at my work and gets excited about all the paths we could pursue. Publications we could send the writing to and conferences to which we could send proposals. She shares her work with me and thrills when I “get it” without any of the laborious explanations. We brainstorm how to decorate her office and she takes my suggestions. And her office is looking so good, by the way.
So maybe when I’m asked why I would pursue a PhD now, I have my real answer. I’m doing it so I can bring strawberry pretzel jello salad to the GA Friendsgiving, so that I can talk to my advisor about all the possibilities for my dissertation and two hours passes in the blink of an eye, and I’m here for the moment when my eight classmates all scrunch together for a group selfie. All from different countries and all smiling for the shot.
Maybe you don’t have to have a reason to follow a path. Maybe you just start walking and see where it takes you. Perhaps “the why” reveals itself afterward, and that’s okay.
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